Pumpkin carving, discovery
by odstpilot
Summary: While the war enters its full swing, Starfleet has a brief respite. Taking advantage of the calm, the fleet decides to have a pumpkin carving tradition.


Pumpkin carving, discovery

Summary: While the war enters its full swing, Starfleet has a brief respite. Taking advantage of the calm, the fleet decides to have a pumpkin carving tradition.

Ch 1

Discovery glided thru the debris of destroyed Klingon ships, every watchful of cloaked warships in wait.

"They keep coming, don't they?" Saru asked.

"They do. Stamets, spin up the spore drive and get us the hell out of here." Lorca said.

In the blink of an eye, Discovery jumped from its location, directly into federation space.

"Send a message to Starfleet command. Mission successful. Captured Klingon cloaking device intact." Lorca said.

On Earth, Admiral Cornwell received Lorca's message and grinned.

"I knew he could pull it off." She said.

"Admiral, you wanted to send a message to the fleet?" her aid asked.

"Yes. Tell them it's time for the annual pumpkin carving contest. We've been at war for months on end. It's time we get some R&R around here." She said.

"Sir, we're getting a message from admiral Cornwell." Burnham said, as Lorca entered the bridge.

"Put it on, Lt." Lorca said.

 _Congratulations to your success. With the spore drive, and the cloaking device, we can finally turn the tide. Here are your further orders. It's Oct 31, so if possible, we'll have a pumpkin carving contest._

The bridge crew was silent, as they read the message over and over.

"We're in the middle of a war, about to face a Klingon offensive. Has Starfleet command lost their minds?" Lorca asked.

"A pumpkin carving contest. Do we have pumpkins on the ship?" Saru asked.

"I'd rather carve a crater into Kronos." Lorca said.

 _Captain Lorca, you are ordered to stay in Federation space. Tomorrow, you can bomb the Klingons to the stone age to your hearts content._

Lorca just stood there, slack jawed. How did she know?

 _I was_ _ **your**_ _therapist before I became an admiral. I know you better than you think._

Defeated, Lorca slumped in his chair. Then he burst out laughing. The bridge crew looked at him, some with amusement, the rest of surprise.

Had Captain Lorca lost it? Did the stress of combat get to him? It wouldn't be a stretch to say so.

"Sir, are you alright?" Burnham asked.

"Fine Lt. Just fine." Lorca said.

With free time on their hands, the crew got to work with carving pumpkins. Stamets decided to use the spore mushrooms on his pumpkin. Lorca briefly wondered if the pumpkin would disappear into spore space if they used their spore drive. He'd rather not know.

As he observed, he noticed everyone was using precision tools. Dr. Culbert was using a scalpel to carve his up. But not for captain Lorca. No, he didn't need to use fancy precision tools.

"Captain, have you carved your pumpkin yet?" Saru asked.

"Not yet. Need to find the right pumpkin." Lorca said.

"Right pumpkin?" Saru asked.

"It has to be hard for what I have planned." Lorca said.

"Of course." Saru deadpanned.

Lorca headed to engineering, and Burnham ran into Saru.

"Is the captain going to carve a pumpkin?" Burnham asked.

"I think so." Saru said, and walked away.

Lorca entered the bridge with a large pumpkin in his hands. He headed to the viewscreen and set it on the floor. The bridge crew watched, wondering what the captain was going to do.

Lorca produced a phase pistol, and everyone ran and ducked for cover.

"Captain, what the hell are you doing?" Burnham asked.

Her question was answered, as Lorca shot the pumpkin with a wild grin on his face. When the eyes and mouth were visible, he walked to the pumpkin and proceeded to stab the pumpkin with two combat knives, in leu of ears.

 _I knew the captain was mad, but this is too far._ Saru thought, as he stood up.

"That's how you carve a pumpkin." Lorca said, sitting in his chair.

"Captain, we have a message coming in." Burnham said.

"From command?" Lorca asked.

"No. From the USS Nevada." Burnham said.

 _To all Starfleet vessels, we found… something. Apparently, it creates pumpkins the size of warships in space. Don't know how, it just does._

"Burnham, send this message, and the coordinates to Stamets. He might be interested in this." Lorca said.

5 minutes later, the ship jumped to the new location. System L55.

"Stamets, did you jump the ship?" Lorca asked.

"I did captain. I'd like to get samples of whatever it is the Nevada found." Stamets said.

Around 2 dozen Starfleet vessels arrived, and everyone was busying trying to create large pumpkins the size of their own vessels.

Another message from Starfleet command came in. Pumpkins that were carved were to be sent to command for 'evaluation.'

"Now that's an interesting one." Admiral Cornwell said, as she looked at Stamets pumpkin. It was now growing the spores. She was reminded of the old weird al song 'Living in the Fridge.'

 _There's something gross in the fridge today, it's green and growing hair…_

She put the thoughts away, and looked at the many other pumpkins. She came upon a pumpkin that clearly has been shot at with a phaser, and had two knives sticking out of it.

"Lorca." She said, facepalming.

Meanwhile, the fleet was busy creating spaceship sized pumpkins.

"We have our pumpkin, captain. But carving it…" Saru said.

"We'll use the guns on our ship. Ready phasers and load torpedoes. Fire on my command." Lorca said.

A few phaser and torpedo shots later, the large pumpkin was carved up. Now, they had to get it back to earth.

"One last thing. We need to arm it." Lorca said.

"Arm it?" Stamets asked, as the senior staff was gathered in the ready room.

"Stamets, have your team put two phase cannons and a torpedo launcher on the pumpkin. Pull teams from the rest of the fleet help you." Lorca said.

"I still have the recalibrate the warp drive." Stamets said.

"We're deep in federation space. We can have it fixed at earth." Lorca said.

Hours passed, and the large pumpkin was ready for transport.

"Stamets, can we pull our pumpkin to earth at warp?" Lorca asked.

"Not unless we wrap our warp field around it." Stamets said.

"Do it." Lorca said.

On Earth, the early warning stations picked up the incoming fleet.

"Admiral, we've picked up federation signatures coming in."

"That's good." Cornwell said.

"But only half of the fleet are federation signatures. The other half… you'll have to see it."

Cornwell looked out of her viewscreen, and saw Starfleet vessels appear in orbit of earth, along with large pumpkins that were the size of spaceships.

"What?" Cornwell asked.

"Captain, one of the pumpkins has federation weapons on it." Her XO said.

"Let me see it." Cornwell said.

Zooming in, she saw that the pumpkin has two phaser banks, and a torpedo launcher. And next to it… was the Discovery.

"Lorca. I bet he's up there, with that goddamned fucking smirk of his!" Cornwell growled thru clenched teeth.

Cornwell beamed onto the bridge of Discovery, and saw Lorca sitting in his chair, smirking and drinking pumpkin juice.

"Afternoon, Admiral." Lorca said.

How she wanted to slap that smirk off his face.

"You like the pumpkins we sent?" Lorca asked.

"Tomorrow, you're going to see a therapist." Cornwell said.

"I thought **you** were my therapist." Lorca said.

"I am. But I'll most likely strangle you. So you're going to see another therapist." Cornwell.


End file.
